J'APE How to Publish Your Kindle Book for Shameless Self-Promotion and Profit
The Secret to Self-Publishing on Amazon is said to be: "You Need to First Be A Celebrity To Succeed At Anything".
This parody is a sarcastic look at how you can be an "overnight" success - by making it impossible for anyone else to succeed as you set the bar astronomically high.
Learn the 3 Parts to Real eBook Publishing
How to write a book - real quick, shallow, ghost-written.
How to publish your book - hire someone to do it for cheap, like putting their name on the cover.
How to sell a book online - using your devoted, Kool-Aid-drinking fan-base to suck-up and give you fake 5-star reviews without having read the book.
Obviously, this is a work of satire and has nothing to do with the real world. And any resemblance to a currently successful bestseller is just a happy coincidence. (Right.)
Solve the Key Factors Which Have Kept You From Publishing Your Book.
Your life is out of Control because you didn't devote yourself to learning celebrity-skills.
You want to get Approval for everything you do - but that's just the half of it. Find how celebrities can't live without it, so self-publishing puts "Vanity" back into the name.
You want to have the Security, but really you need to stick to that day job and leave all the PR to PR Artistes who appear on late night info-mercials to sell over-priced junk.
And you want to Join the group of successful Independent Authors, but except for a few cheaters who stumble into it by accident, the system is rigged to sell only celebrity's books (and cute dressed-up-cat-picture books).
Tools you will find inside this guide:
How to wreck your life and get fired for spending too much time on your book, then falling asleep at work - repeatedly.
How to ruin your family relationships by getting every relative you know to loan you money and/or write suck-up reviews of your book (and like, and plus, and tweet about it to their friends.)
Lose any certainty you ever had about how good you are as a writer, because some celebrity comes along with their version of how it "really" works, so no one listens to your advice ever again.
Discover how a celebrity can suck the air out of a room by just showing up, and how their interviews and PR stunts take the limelight away from struggling unknown indie authors.
Get access to a "Publishing Success Blueprint" which will make sure you stick to your day job and never try some wacky creative idea ever again!
And find how the entire publishing industry deck is still stacked against you, so you might as well never try.
New Revision!
Contains actually helpful tips! (Don't tell Richard this, but I included some tactics, strategies, and tips from later research. What you can find out, he doesn't need to know...)
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